Happy 2014 from the music business.
We wanted to write one of those cheesy holiday updates and put it in your Christmas cards but we quit sending Christmas cards after we got addicted to Facebook and thought the business had been killed by Napster.
Turns out the rumors of our demise has been highly exaggerated.
But just to keep you all up to date, we’ve had a busy and bustling year. First let me update you on the children.
Susie Streamer (Streaming): We’re so proud of our new offspring, she’s growing like a weed! (up 24% in the first half of 2013) This year she started playing for free on mobile devices, raised butt tons of investment money and made all of her cousins really really mad because people, who like music, seem to like her best! After all she’s attractive, young and fit who could blame them. She has struggled to profit but we think this is a matter of time and she’s talking about a big deal with car makers that could put her over the top. She’s set to have a great 2014!!!
Dougie Download (iTunes): He wanted me to tell you all hello, especially the 5% that quit visiting him this year. He has been sitting on Grandpa’s knee and listening to stories about the old days and he’s learned that being over the hill is just part of life. Things will start slowing down now and sunsets can be beautiful. Steve Jobs didn’t live to see his baby die and I’m sure that is merciful. We don’t see iTunes dying this year of anything, but, let’s be realistic…it’s all over but the crying.
Cousin YouTube (Streaming with Pictures): YT wants you to know that she has a lovely collection of adorable cats and children. She has continued to have a growth spurt. But because of her odd genetic anomaly (gigantism) her rapid explosive growth may also signal a shortened lifespan. We will all continue to take advantage of her as long as we can but, like facebook, the kids are getting restless and something else will grab their attention soon enough. YT is happy to retire to a life of archivism and occasional party fun, so please stay in touch.
Grandpa (Physical Sales): Grandpa is having a tough battle. As you know he’s been fighting off a serious bout of antiquity but just doesn’t want to give up! He’s a fighter. Fueled by 7 figure salaries and a full fledged panic about the death of the “old days” he shuffles around the nursing home screaming at the nurses “back in the day!!”. We know he doesn’t have long left, but he’s a tough old nut and probably still has a few years left in him if his two cousins, “Big Box and Target” can figure out a way to keep him resuscitated. If it was up to me I would write “”DNR” on his chart, but a bunch of rich white lawyers are appealing the decision that has been made by the customers…
Tammy Touring: What a wonderful year for this mature strong woman. By being chummy with the 1% and selling tickets at all time high prices she has given us all the impression that touring is the end all be all. Of Course if you eliminate the tours that include septuagenarians she still get’s weak and pale but we’re hoping for a natural supplement to keep her fit in the coming year. My goodness she has grown, but like all parents we worry about her future. Within the next 10 years more than a third of the top grossing tours of 2013 will be dead or disabled…another third will be forgotten or in rehab or both…
Martha Merch: steady as she goes is all we can say, the only real update is that Martha is now including physical sales of CDs as part of her world. Seems these old relics are now officially souvenirs.
Gary Gaming: After a long, long distance relationship we have to say that we wished we had understood him better as a child. Now that he’s grown we can’t help but wonder why we spoiled him so much with free goodies and falsely deflated prices. Now he feels entitled and arrogant and honestly we can hardly get him on the phone anymore. We thought he was a fun fad and had no idea he would grow up to be the biggest thing in entertainment. But just like his great Uncle VHS, we didn’t’ see this whole thing coming and assumed he would just be a good way for us to promote our CDs. So we remain proud of his growth but are sad to report that we are not very close to him anymore. Gary, if you’re listening, we’d love to work with you more!!
I suppose the conclusion of our reflection centers around the news that we have no new offspring in the works just a few clones and more of the same. I sure hope someone somewhere is having raucous techno musical sex right now and birthing the next great innovation. We will continue to love music, she is our love child and our future, but we will also lovingly embrace the next great idea that can help our love child be adored and enjoyed by future friends and lovers.
Happy New Year!
